What happened to the dreams I had
When I was growing up?
The promise of a future where
the world would fill my cup
At just what point along the way
did life become so bleak?
How did I fail at every turn
to find the road I seek?
How could I know each step I took
along life’s rocky way
Would lead me to the dismal place
that is my life today?
At every fork along the road
I somehow got it wrong
I now I see the wretched truth
that I just don’t belong
It never mattered what I did
or just how hard I tried
There always was the hopeless truth
Success would be denied
For all I did and all I gave
I never found my place
and in the end it’s clear to see
the world spat in my face
So now I sit and wish away
these final wasted days
and time weighs heavy on my heart
the longer death delays
Well I am still here despite the doom and gloom of the last post. I considered removing it but if I am going to tell the complete story, then I have to tell the good and the bad I guess.
Have things improved? No, no really. I still get very depressed, frustrated and angry but there is the occasional good day and those are the ones that help a bit.
Obviously 2020 was a shocker of a year for the whole world and I guess things like that tend to put my own woes into some sort of perspective.
My life didn’t change much because of Covid19 and those I love are still here so I am certainly grateful for that.
I have had to wind back the work I do online because I find it all a bit much these days. The main website is a total waste of time in any case as there is little feedback and almost no revenue from it to help with the cost of keeping it on line.
I concentrate on making videos for the YouTube channel and the small amount of money that comes in from that helps to pay for keeping all the other stuff going. I still have to fund most of it out of my own pocket but I am used to that by now. It is pretty obvious that I am never going to be rich.
It is mostly just one day at a time now, planning for things isn’t easy and my typing (yes I have corrected most of this page) is still deteriorating.
My biggest problem is an almost total lack of enthusiasm for doing anything. I force myself to get some things done but compared to what I once did, today I am almost at a stand still.
I don’t exist, I am not here. Nobody give a flying FUCK about me not even those I care about. I have tried SO HARD to do SOMETHING but everything I have tried to do has turned to SHIT.
I make videos, some people watch them but after years and years of trying, even my own family can’t be bothered to watch them. I wonder if they will when I am gone? A bit late then to show any interest i think.
I made a huge website about the place I live and yes, some people use it but does anyone really give a crap?
I don’t want to try any more. Nobody cares, nobody gives a crap about how hard I try to do something. I am sick of living and I want it all to go away.
l am fat, short sighted and I have lost my independence, I can’t even go out on my own.
The joke is, nobody will even read this, least of all anyone I care about.
I am sick to death of being here, I only wish I had the courage to end m
I have a had time working out why so many people are frightened of death. Perhaps there is a reason to be afraid of how we die, but death to me seems like something to be welcomed.
I haven’t had a horrible life when compared to many others, so the following is probably going to seem rather ungrateful but, if I am really honest, I wish I had never been dragged in to this world. Not existing at all would have been far more preferable to having to go through all the same old crap, day after day.
If I make it to the age of 60 (in September this year) I will have accomplished nothing. I have singularly failed at everything I have ever done in my life.
There is no chance that things are suddenly going to get better and there is nothign at all to look forward to but gradual decay and decline.
In short, although I am not likely to take my own life, I am really fed up with being alive.
I am sick to death of trying only to fail yet again. I find most other people to be self-centered and indifferent to anythign outside of themselves and every day I have to keep going is nothing but a burden I could do without.
The sooner all this is over the happier I will be…
Two posts in one day… That makes a bit of a change.
Unfortunately this isn’t great news.
I seem to have screwed up again with my video footage stored on hard drives. All the raw footage from last years trip to Malaysia has been wiped out along with the backups.
It isn’t a complete disaster as at least I still have the completed (edited) footage but it isn’t good.
I am currently in the process of trying to sort out all the other footage but I am really struggling to keep on top of it all.
I am sure I have already deleted some files I wanted to keep <sigh> but I am trying to just concentrate on the job and not let it throw me into a pit of depression.
One thing that is really starting to bug me more than anything else right now, is the fact that when you have a condition like dementia, everyone uses it as an excuse to blame you for stuff they can’t remember themselves.
If something goes missing, Marc lost it… Well I don’t always lose the things that go missing and I am not always to blame and I am getting rather fed up with bing used as a scapegoat in this way.
Yes, I forget stuff a lot but that should not be used as an excuse to stick the blame on me every time something can’t be found. That gets very tiring very quickly.
Instead of just assuming I am to blame, consider that we are all getting older now and nobody’s memory is what it used to be.
If you are dealing with someone who has demenitia, please don’t just assume they are at fault when something gets mis-placed.
(Please note: I am still not correcting mistakes I make when typing and I can see that todays effort, has a few red lines under some words. I am using this as a way of keeping track of how bad my typing gets.)
Things continue to deteriorate.
My memory, the short term one, is complete crap now.
Things just vanbish and I have no idea where they have gone.
Bought honey from Aldi the other day brought eveything home and when I went to get the honey it wasn’t ehwere it was supposed to be.
As you will note my typing is now turning to toatal crap too!
My letters are getting all mixed up.
This gets very tiuring, day after day just feeling dumber and dumber…
Well it has bee a while since my last post here but I am still around and still trying to do all the things that give some meaning to my life.
In the past I have gone back and corrected my posts because I didn’t like looking back at the mistekas that I make when I am typing but I have to realise that to keep any kind of track of exactly how this condition is progressing, I have to leave some posts just as I originally type them to see how this part of my world is changingg.
Please pardon the errors that I know are going to be inthis post buy most are not typos, they are simply the way this condition is changing the way my mind thinnks things should be typed out.
One of the most obvious problems now is the substituation of one word for another. i know when I am typing, exactly what I want to say but somehow my brain changes the word I wanted to type into something close but completely different.
I am (was) pretty good at spelling but now even simple words I can get wrong.
I can already see by all the red underlines above that there are quite a few erros already.
Of couse as I am still running my websites and doing a lot of typing, this is a very frustrating problem. There isn’t much I can do about it so when I am writing for the site, I just have to keep on going back and making corrections.
As for other tings in my life, well I did get to fill in a bucket list slot this year when we went up to Shark Bay and camped by the beach at Tamala Station for a couple of weeks. That was a really amazing experience and something I had wanted to do for a long time.
I am also booked for a couple of weeks overseas later this year and I will be heading to Malaysia (once more) both for some family stuff and for a bit of a holiday in Kota Kinabalu.
Apart from that life has been fairly quiet and sedate. I hope it doesn’t take me another 10 months before I get back to posting here again.
Operating several online resources isn’t the simplest task at the best of times but with my mental acuity diminishing day by day, I knew that one day I was going to really screw something up and now it has happened.
I went to start doing some work on our unidentified wildflower pictures as I have been doing some sorting over the past few days and imagine my horror when I realised that not just what I was working on but 98,000 images – my entire collection of photos, had vanished!
I do keep backups but I hadn’t backed up the most recent work so all that has to be done again and it will take at least a couple of days just to copy everything back from backup drives and then to re-archive it just in case of further problems.
I don’t know how I deleted such a huge number of files and at one time i would never have done such a thing.
Time will come when I will have to hand over all my work to someone else because I won’t be able to trust myself with looking after all of it.
That will be a sad day indeed.
Dreams about being lost are becoming more frequent.
It is a horrible feeling, even though it is only in a dream so far.
The other morning when I woke up I couldn’t work out where I was in relation to other places.
I knew what house I was in but when I thought about what was outside, I just could not work out what the streets would be like.
It did eventually come back to me but it took quite some time.
Even now, there are still people I know who don’t think there is anything wrong with me but they are very wrong.
Because I can still communicate well and I can still remember many things, it seems to others that there isn’t a problem, yet bit by bit I can feel it getting a tighter grip on me.
I wonder how much longer I will be able to type comprehensible sentences because the mixing up of letters in words has now progressed to using completely the wrong words. I can see the problem when I read a sentence back but as I type I am screwing things up more and more.