I knew this would happen one day

Operating several online resources isn’t the simplest task at the best of times but with my mental acuity diminishing day by day, I knew that one day I was going to really screw something up and now it has happened.

I went to start doing some work on our unidentified wildflower pictures as I have been doing some sorting over the past few days and imagine my horror when I realised that not just what I was working on but 98,000 images – my entire collection of photos, had vanished!

I do keep backups but I hadn’t backed up the most recent work so all that has to be done again and it will take at least a couple of days just to copy everything back from backup drives and then to re-archive it just in case of further problems.

I don’t know how I deleted such a huge number of files and at one time i would never have done such a thing.

Time will come when I will have to hand over all my work to someone else because I won’t be able to trust myself with looking after all of it.

That will be a sad day indeed.

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Bad Dreams

Dreams about being lost are becoming more frequent.

It is a horrible feeling, even though it is only in a dream so far.

The other morning when I woke up I couldn’t work out where I was in relation to other places.

I knew what house I was in but when I thought about what was outside, I just could not work out what the streets would be like.

It did eventually come back to me but it took quite some time.

Even now, there are still people I know who don’t think there is anything wrong with me but they are very wrong.

Because I can still communicate well and I can still remember many things, it seems to others that there isn’t a problem, yet bit by bit I can feel it getting a tighter grip on me.

I wonder how much longer I will be able to type comprehensible sentences because the mixing up of letters in words has now progressed to using completely the wrong words. I can see the problem when I read a sentence back but as I type I am screwing things up more and more.

I wish I could be more positive.

I watch Peter Berry’s weekly videos about living with Alzheimer’s and although his condition seems to be more advanced than mine, he remains up-beat and very positive.

For those who haven’t met Peter yet, his YouTube channel is at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMZ2Z51ATdWO83s8VoEvMcw

I just wish I could be half as positive as Peter but I just can’t get there.

I saw what Alzheimer’s  did to my father and I have no intention of getting to the end of that particular path. Because we don’t have the choice to end our lives with any kind of dignity, there is only one way out of this when the symptoms get too bad.

Obviously I am not going to spell it out here because in the end, government refuses to give us control of our own destiny and makes it illegal to choose how we want things to finish up.

The state of the world depresses me. Greed is seen as a badge of honour and money is the all consuming god. People (in general) have become more selfish, disconnected to each other and self absorbed.

My generation, the Baby Boomers, have overseen the degradation of our environment to a point where natural systems are starting to collapse.

We may have come a long way and done a lot of clever things, but our basic animal natures still control our lives.

The well-to-do take more and more from the have-nots and I have to wonder, how much is too much? It seems there is no such thing as too much when greed is involved.

I know there are good people in the world but they are swamped by the dull witted and ignorant (the sheep)  who in turn are controlled by those in power (the wolves) who manipulate them to their own ends.

I wish I could just walk away from all of it and spend my remaining time in the wilderness, as far from all the madness as I could get.

I enjoy watching Peter’s videos and I admire his spirit and optimism but for me, there is just no way to get to that point.

Giving Up

There are only two people in this world that I REALLY care about and today one of them walked out of my life.

This has concluded a process that started a year ago and although I have tried hard to stop it from happening, in the end I failed.

In fact, when I look back on my life I seem to have failed at just about everything I have ever done.

I just can’t deal with the situation I am in any more so I can see no choice but to remove myself from it.

Even I don’t know exactly what that means at the moment but the only thing I know is I cannot stay where I am.

 

Am I that bad?

There are times when I feel overwhelmed with this condition and yes, it can frustrate the hell out of me BUT I also ask myself, ‘am I really that bad?’

I know some things are deteriorating but I am still getting out and travelling a few times a year. I am still working on my website, still filming, still writing (with more mistakes than ever before) so how bad am I really?

The truth is I don’t really know. There are times when I feel like life is over but there are also times when I feel that I can still do so much that even talking about dementia makes me feel like a fraud.

 

Grammar

One of the latest signs of trouble is my grammar.

I have never been what they call a ‘grammar Nazi’ but I do like to try and get most things right. That is now changing and I am making errors, that on re-reading (or listening to audio on the video I record) just make me cringe with embarrassment.

I even noticed at least one mistake in the first blog entry I made on this site.

I don’t think I am ever going to apply for a job as a proof reader now!

On another topic, I have been trying to find out more information about this condition but have (so-far) been rather frustrated at the lack of information for sufferers.

I have tried libraries and searching online but all the support out there and all the information is for carers. I know I have moaned about this before but today I had a ‘light bulb’ moment.

What about Facebook?

Well I looked and yes there are some groups out there. I have applied to join but time will tell whether they turn out to be what I have been looking for.

Is there a point to life?

The more I see of what is going on in the world the more I wonder what the point of all of it is.

Perhaps if you believe in fairies at the bottom of the garden, heaven and hell etc. then maybe that gives you some hope. False hope, but hope never-the-less.

I see the world for what it is, harsh, unforgiving and cruel.

My own species is controlled by people who are insanely hungry for money and power. They crave it at the expense of everything and everyone else.

There is enough money and resources for everyone in the world to have a reasonably comfortable existence but because some people have to grab more and more for themselves, even though they have no real need for it, people all over the world have horrendous miserable lives.

My own life is rendered pointless by the condition I have. There is no hope of spending my twilight years in quiet contemplation. Yet I see people who are perfectly healthy who give up on life and remove themselves from it.

I am starting to think that they are the only sane ones and the rest of us are mad.

Ultimately I see life as utterly without point. Everything you know, everyone you know, everything you own will all vanish with the sands of time.

Happiness is merely a phantom, an illusion, a wisp that slips through your fingers.

The best thing I can hope for now is a quick demise that is relatively painless. Knowing my luck, I won’t get it.