Malaise

While some around me continue to stay in denial about my condition,  I  slip further and further into it.

Everything now is an effort.

Even getting up the motivation to come on and post this is just so difficult.

I do my best to put on a brave face and just get on with life but really, I just want it to end now. I have had enough of trying, enough of fighting this and enough of failing at just about everything I do.

I am TIRED….

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DON’T ADD TO OUR STRESS!

The absolute WORST thing for my brain now is stress. I just cannot take too much of it and if I get too much I simply freak out.

If I am already stressed then adding to it will end with unpleasant results.

This is a message to anyone caring for those with similar conditions to mine. If you see the person you are caring for is already very stressed out, then don’t do anything to add to the load they are already under.

 

Losing Interest

I am struggling to maintain any sort of interest in life and the things around me. Is this normal for people with my condition or is it just me?

My father stopped reading after being a prolific reader, he seemed to lose interest in things too.

The trouble is, I don’t know if this is a symptom of dementia, or if it is just a malaise brought on by the recent awful events in my life.

I feel like I just want to sit in a corner and wait to die…..

 

Changes in behaviour

As this thing progresses I feel less and less like me.

I have never really been a saint when it comes to swearing, if I was mad enough I would certainly lapse into using the ‘F’ word and a few other choice expletives but these days it doesn’t take much to set off a bout of bad language.

I have always thought that the odd swear word does no harm if it is used in the ‘correct ‘ manner. It emphasises a negative feeling and can be effective when used in moderation.

Unfortunately I now tend to swear a great deal and even though I wish I did not respond this way to what is usually a stressful event, I don’t seem able to control it anymore.

It seems to be an indication of a loss of control in general which is a worry if it starts to expand into other areas of my life.

Unnoticed

I was one of the many unnoticed
I passed through, barely making a sound
I lived life and I loved in my own way
and I fought to hold on to my ground

I tried hard, to be good, to be decent
but I didn’t live up to my dream
I fell short, many times, and I tell you
sometimes life made me want to just scream

I wasn’t that special in most ways
and I didn’t stand out in the crowd
and boy I can tell you that some days
I felt just like crying out loud

They told me that if I worked harder
I would reap the rewards in the end
but they lied and I wound up with nothing
but a trickle of money to spend

I watched as the fat cats got richer
How they conned the whole world with their lies
and the dull and the ignorant let them
as they pulled to wool over their eyes

And the world just descended to madness
and hate became higher than love
and war was waged purely for profit
as the bombs they rained down from above

We ignored what the world tried to tell us
about how we were wrecking it all
But our greed and our pride overtook us
and we never suspected we’d fall

When a few tried to raise up their voices
to warn us of dark days ahead
The greedy white men in their limmos
quickly knocked all dissent on the head

In the past there were plenty of lessons
that we could have easily learned
But we sold out our planet for money
and we burned and we burned and we burned

And I went away still unnoticed
to the stillness and dark of my grave
leaving only regret for a planet
that we could have easily saved

(Well at least I haven’t completely lost the knack of writing these things).

Devastation

“What a difference a day makes” but in my case what a difference a couple of weeks make…..

In the past two weeks my life has been turned upside down. A family catastrophe (please don’t ask about the details) has caused more pain, heartache and stress than I have ever suffered before in my life and it has taken a huge toll on my ability to think and concentrate. It feels as though the problems I am having with my brain have accelerated.

At one point I just needed to get away from everything and I just walked off. I kept on going, trying not to think about how my life was disintegrating, just putting one foot in front of the other. On and on for hours.

Eventually I was missed and I was reported as a missing person. I was not only missing physically, I was missing mentally and emotionally.

When the police eventually found me, they said I had walked 20 kilometers away from town. It was a warmish day and I had no water and no hat.

When they found me I was just sitting under a bush out of the sun and I was exhausted and dehydrated.

Since then things have just got worse and worse. It seems as though I am in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from.

What happens from here? I have no idea. I just have to live life the same way I walked off, one foot in front of the other, trying hard not to think about the things that are trying to drag me down….

Waiting For Things To Happen

I always seem to be waiting for something to get sorted out so that I can get on with what I want to do before my time runs out.

One of the main items on my ‘bucket list’ is to visit and film as many towns in Western Australia as I can.

To that end we bought an old converted Toyota Coaster bus so that we can travel around the state. Since we have had it, the rotten thing has broken down several times and the repair bills (including a re-built engine) have been astronomical!

We are waiting, yet again, to hear back from the mechanics and find out what the latest expense is going to be. The trouble is, they NEVER seem to get back to us.

We chase them on the phone and harass them by email but it does no good. They just take their own sweet time and meanwhile I sit and fume about all the time being wasted. The trouble is, they seem to be good mechanics and everyone else I have tried has been a waste of space, so I have no choice.

We have perfect weather right now but winter is approaching so I want to be on the road. Argh! it is just so frustrating. I can feel the clock ticking and I just want to get on with things but there always seems to be someone holding me back.

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