Giving Up

There are only two people in this world that I REALLY care about and today one of them walked out of my life.

This has concluded a process that started a year ago and although I have tried hard to stop it from happening, in the end I failed.

In fact, when I look back on my life I seem to have failed at just about everything I have ever done.

I just can’t deal with the situation I am in any more so I can see no choice but to remove myself from it.

Even I don’t know exactly what that means at the moment but the only thing I know is I cannot stay where I am.

 

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Am I that bad?

There are times when I feel overwhelmed with this condition and yes, it can frustrate the hell out of me BUT I also ask myself, ‘am I really that bad?’

I know some things are deteriorating but I am still getting out and travelling a few times a year. I am still working on my website, still filming, still writing (with more mistakes than ever before) so how bad am I really?

The truth is I don’t really know. There are times when I feel like life is over but there are also times when I feel that I can still do so much that even talking about dementia makes me feel like a fraud.

 

Grammar

One of the latest signs of trouble is my grammar.

I have never been what they call a ‘grammar Nazi’ but I do like to try and get most things right. That is now changing and I am making errors, that on re-reading (or listening to audio on the video I record) just make me cringe with embarrassment.

I even noticed at least one mistake in the first blog entry I made on this site.

I don’t think I am ever going to apply for a job as a proof reader now!

On another topic, I have been trying to find out more information about this condition but have (so-far) been rather frustrated at the lack of information for sufferers.

I have tried libraries and searching online but all the support out there and all the information is for carers. I know I have moaned about this before but today I had a ‘light bulb’ moment.

What about Facebook?

Well I looked and yes there are some groups out there. I have applied to join but time will tell whether they turn out to be what I have been looking for.

Is there a point to life?

The more I see of what is going on in the world the more I wonder what the point of all of it is.

Perhaps if you believe in fairies at the bottom of the garden, heaven and hell etc. then maybe that gives you some hope. False hope, but hope never-the-less.

I see the world for what it is, harsh, unforgiving and cruel.

My own species is controlled by people who are insanely hungry for money and power. They crave it at the expense of everything and everyone else.

There is enough money and resources for everyone in the world to have a reasonably comfortable existence but because some people have to grab more and more for themselves, even though they have no real need for it, people all over the world have horrendous miserable lives.

My own life is rendered pointless by the condition I have. There is no hope of spending my twilight years in quiet contemplation. Yet I see people who are perfectly healthy who give up on life and remove themselves from it.

I am starting to think that they are the only sane ones and the rest of us are mad.

Ultimately I see life as utterly without point. Everything you know, everyone you know, everything you own will all vanish with the sands of time.

Happiness is merely a phantom, an illusion, a wisp that slips through your fingers.

The best thing I can hope for now is a quick demise that is relatively painless. Knowing my luck, I won’t get it.

Clumsy!

A new and particularly irritating part of my condition is being more and more clumsy.

Is that normal for dementia? I have no idea because there is NOTHING out there in the way of support for sufferers.

A heap of resources exist for carers, yeah I get it, they are the ones who really suffer in the end, but meanwhile, WHAT ABOUT THE SUFFERERS???

Why the hell can’t I find anything useful about this condition and what to expect from it?

When I say clumsy, I am not talking about just the odd mishap. I break things unintentionally, knock things over,  crack my toes, knees and shins on objects. It is becoming more and more annoying.

My typing is deteriorating more and more and my short term memory seriously sucks now!

I am still getting out, still producing videos, photographing and filming. That seems so much easier than doing things that involve typing.

The website update that I have been working of for 3 years PLUS, is in its final stages but even though I am almost at the end, I am finding the last bit SO HARD to finish.

My emotional side has been shut down and considering that I have always been very emotional, this was a difficult thing to do. It was quite deliberate and calculated but I see it as the only way I can deal with difficulties in my personal life.

It is funny how the people who say they love you can often be the ones that cause the greatest amount of grief.

I don’t want to go into details, I don’t think there is much point anyway. What is done is done and cannot be undone.

I am becoming more selfish. I spent a VERY LONG TIME trying to hold everything together and in the end I had just been wasting my time. I ‘get’ that all of us are in part responsible for the difficulties last year but my real feeling is that people will, in the end, do what is best for themselves and are happy to knife anyone in the back if it suits their agenda.

That is now my new ‘take on life’. I used to spend almost every waking moment trying to do the best thing for others so now I am trying to do what is best for ME!

I know my time is running out and I am not going to spend it dancing to other people’s tunes.

My intention is to take the path of least resistance but at the same time, do what I want to do. Let’s see how well that little plan plays out in the end….

The real story behind my fight to stay online

Well I am still here but life certainly isn’t getting any easier.

I have spoken before about the websites I run and part of that was my YouTube channel, where I film things that add to the main website.

https://www.youtube.com/user/mgglasby

Until recently this had been slowly gaining ground and was starting to make up for some of the losses on my main website where Adsense has been plummeting like an airliner with all engines shut down.

Last month (Jan 2018) I, along with thousands of other small YouTube creators, got a lovely little message saying that we were about to be kicked out of the ‘partner program’ because we don’t have 4000 watch minutes per year and less than 1000 subscribers.

I have been fighting to bring those figures up, but a month is simply not enough time to get them up enough, so another source of funding that I was relying on seems like it is about to dry up.

I have been slogging away for about 8 years and have always had the hope that one day, the work I have been doing will be ‘discovered’ and things would turn around.

I write online books as another way to try and fund what I have been doing but nothing seems to ever take off.

There are no grants available for individuals, commercial businesses aren’t interested. Government, apart from DPaW, has completely ignored me and with my brain issues taking more of a toll on me every week, I am just about to give up and walk away from all of it.

My main website has been doing better and better. More hits, record numbers of click-troughs to adverts, but income from Google Adsense has plummeted from close to $300 a month to around $50.

Over the time I have been using Adsense (plus all other funding methods I have tried) I have received a little over $10k. Sounds good right? When you look at what it has cost me to keep everything going, the story isn’t anywhere near as rosy.

Expenses, including vehicle repairs to our expedition vehicle, upgrading cameras and equipment, paying for web-hosting and organising expeditions have all cost in excess of $19k. That is $9k that has come directly out of my own pocket just to keep everything online.

Every cent we have been able to get via our PDF book sales, advertising and donations from kind supporters has made a difference. Now that our funding is drying up, there is just no incentive for me to try and keep going.

I struggle every day with the problems my dementia is creating. All it takes is for someone to talk to me while I am working on something, for me to completely lose track of where I am. Sometimes I can get back to working fairly quickly, but other times I am just lost.

I wanted to leave something behind that was really meaningful, I want to contribute for as long as I am able to, but having the rug pulled out from under me by greedy big business is just heartbreaking.

To be honest, I would be lost without having my website to work on and I will probably end up going down-hill faster, if I do walk away from it but to see Google posting thousands of adverts on my website for virtually nothing and to see YouTube take my other tiny income away but continue to place adverts on my content so that they can continue to make money, just disgusts me.

I haven’t given up yet and I am still fighting to get the required figures on YouTube but if I don’t get there, I just don’t know where that will leave me.

 

Malaise

While some around me continue to stay in denial about my condition,  I  slip further and further into it.

Everything now is an effort.

Even getting up the motivation to come on and post this is just so difficult.

I do my best to put on a brave face and just get on with life but really, I just want it to end now. I have had enough of trying, enough of fighting this and enough of failing at just about everything I do.

I am TIRED….