The real story behind my fight to stay online

Well I am still here but life certainly isn’t getting any easier.

I have spoken before about the websites I run and part of that was my YouTube channel, where I film things that add to the main website.

https://www.youtube.com/user/mgglasby

Until recently this had been slowly gaining ground and was starting to make up for some of the losses on my main website where Adsense has been plummeting like an airliner with all engines shut down.

Last month (Jan 2018) I, along with thousands of other small YouTube creators, got a lovely little message saying that we were about to be kicked out of the ‘partner program’ because we don’t have 4000 watch minutes per year and less than 1000 subscribers.

I have been fighting to bring those figures up, but a month is simply not enough time to get them up enough, so another source of funding that I was relying on seems like it is about to dry up.

I have been slogging away for about 8 years and have always had the hope that one day, the work I have been doing will be ‘discovered’ and things would turn around.

I write online books as another way to try and fund what I have been doing but nothing seems to ever take off.

There are no grants available for individuals, commercial businesses aren’t interested. Government, apart from DPaW, has completely ignored me and with my brain issues taking more of a toll on me every week, I am just about to give up and walk away from all of it.

My main website has been doing better and better. More hits, record numbers of click-troughs to adverts, but income from Google Adsense has plummeted from close to $300 a month to around $50.

Over the time I have been using Adsense (plus all other funding methods I have tried) I have received a little over $10k. Sounds good right? When you look at what it has cost me to keep everything going, the story isn’t anywhere near as rosy.

Expenses, including vehicle repairs to our expedition vehicle, upgrading cameras and equipment, paying for web-hosting and organising expeditions have all cost in excess of $19k. That is $9k that has come directly out of my own pocket just to keep everything online.

Every cent we have been able to get via our PDF book sales, advertising and donations from kind supporters has made a difference. Now that our funding is drying up, there is just no incentive for me to try and keep going.

I struggle every day with the problems my dementia is creating. All it takes is for someone to talk to me while I am working on something, for me to completely lose track of where I am. Sometimes I can get back to working fairly quickly, but other times I am just lost.

I wanted to leave something behind that was really meaningful, I want to contribute for as long as I am able to, but having the rug pulled out from under me by greedy big business is just heartbreaking.

To be honest, I would be lost without having my website to work on and I will probably end up going down-hill faster, if I do walk away from it but to see Google posting thousands of adverts on my website for virtually nothing and to see YouTube take my other tiny income away but continue to place adverts on my content so that they can continue to make money, just disgusts me.

I haven’t given up yet and I am still fighting to get the required figures on YouTube but if I don’t get there, I just don’t know where that will leave me.

 

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Malaise

While some around me continue to stay in denial about my condition,  I  slip further and further into it.

Everything now is an effort.

Even getting up the motivation to come on and post this is just so difficult.

I do my best to put on a brave face and just get on with life but really, I just want it to end now. I have had enough of trying, enough of fighting this and enough of failing at just about everything I do.

I am TIRED….

DON’T ADD TO OUR STRESS!

The absolute WORST thing for my brain now is stress. I just cannot take too much of it and if I get too much I simply freak out.

If I am already stressed then adding to it will end with unpleasant results.

This is a message to anyone caring for those with similar conditions to mine. If you see the person you are caring for is already very stressed out, then don’t do anything to add to the load they are already under.

 

Losing Interest

I am struggling to maintain any sort of interest in life and the things around me. Is this normal for people with my condition or is it just me?

My father stopped reading after being a prolific reader, he seemed to lose interest in things too.

The trouble is, I don’t know if this is a symptom of dementia, or if it is just a malaise brought on by the recent awful events in my life.

I feel like I just want to sit in a corner and wait to die…..

 

Changes in behaviour

As this thing progresses I feel less and less like me.

I have never really been a saint when it comes to swearing, if I was mad enough I would certainly lapse into using the ‘F’ word and a few other choice expletives but these days it doesn’t take much to set off a bout of bad language.

I have always thought that the odd swear word does no harm if it is used in the ‘correct ‘ manner. It emphasises a negative feeling and can be effective when used in moderation.

Unfortunately I now tend to swear a great deal and even though I wish I did not respond this way to what is usually a stressful event, I don’t seem able to control it anymore.

It seems to be an indication of a loss of control in general which is a worry if it starts to expand into other areas of my life.

Unnoticed

I was one of the many unnoticed
I passed through, barely making a sound
I lived life and I loved in my own way
and I fought to hold on to my ground

I tried hard, to be good, to be decent
but I didn’t live up to my dream
I fell short, many times, and I tell you
sometimes life made me want to just scream

I wasn’t that special in most ways
and I didn’t stand out in the crowd
and boy I can tell you that some days
I felt just like crying out loud

They told me that if I worked harder
I would reap the rewards in the end
but they lied and I wound up with nothing
but a trickle of money to spend

I watched as the fat cats got richer
How they conned the whole world with their lies
and the dull and the ignorant let them
as they pulled to wool over their eyes

And the world just descended to madness
and hate became higher than love
and war was waged purely for profit
as the bombs they rained down from above

We ignored what the world tried to tell us
about how we were wrecking it all
But our greed and our pride overtook us
and we never suspected we’d fall

When a few tried to raise up their voices
to warn us of dark days ahead
The greedy white men in their limmos
quickly knocked all dissent on the head

In the past there were plenty of lessons
that we could have easily learned
But we sold out our planet for money
and we burned and we burned and we burned

And I went away still unnoticed
to the stillness and dark of my grave
leaving only regret for a planet
that we could have easily saved

(Well at least I haven’t completely lost the knack of writing these things).

Devastation

“What a difference a day makes” but in my case what a difference a couple of weeks make…..

In the past two weeks my life has been turned upside down. A family catastrophe (please don’t ask about the details) has caused more pain, heartache and stress than I have ever suffered before in my life and it has taken a huge toll on my ability to think and concentrate. It feels as though the problems I am having with my brain have accelerated.

At one point I just needed to get away from everything and I just walked off. I kept on going, trying not to think about how my life was disintegrating, just putting one foot in front of the other. On and on for hours.

Eventually I was missed and I was reported as a missing person. I was not only missing physically, I was missing mentally and emotionally.

When the police eventually found me, they said I had walked 20 kilometers away from town. It was a warmish day and I had no water and no hat.

When they found me I was just sitting under a bush out of the sun and I was exhausted and dehydrated.

Since then things have just got worse and worse. It seems as though I am in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from.

What happens from here? I have no idea. I just have to live life the same way I walked off, one foot in front of the other, trying hard not to think about the things that are trying to drag me down….