Bad Dreams

Dreams about being lost are becoming more frequent.

It is a horrible feeling, even though it is only in a dream so far.

The other morning when I woke up I couldn’t work out where I was in relation to other places.

I knew what house I was in but when I thought about what was outside, I just could not work out what the streets would be like.

It did eventually come back to me but it took quite some time.

Even now, there are still people I know who don’t think there is anything wrong with me but they are very wrong.

Because I can still communicate well and I can still remember many things, it seems to others that there isn’t a problem, yet bit by bit I can feel it getting a tighter grip on me.

I wonder how much longer I will be able to type comprehensible sentences because the mixing up of letters in words has now progressed to using completely the wrong words. I can see the problem when I read a sentence back but as I type I am screwing things up more and more.

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I wish I could be more positive.

I watch Peter Berry’s weekly videos about living with Alzheimer’s and although his condition seems to be more advanced than mine, he remains up-beat and very positive.

For those who haven’t met Peter yet, his YouTube channel is at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMZ2Z51ATdWO83s8VoEvMcw

I just wish I could be half as positive as Peter but I just can’t get there.

I saw what Alzheimer’s  did to my father and I have no intention of getting to the end of that particular path. Because we don’t have the choice to end our lives with any kind of dignity, there is only one way out of this when the symptoms get too bad.

Obviously I am not going to spell it out here because in the end, government refuses to give us control of our own destiny and makes it illegal to choose how we want things to finish up.

The state of the world depresses me. Greed is seen as a badge of honour and money is the all consuming god. People (in general) have become more selfish, disconnected to each other and self absorbed.

My generation, the Baby Boomers, have overseen the degradation of our environment to a point where natural systems are starting to collapse.

We may have come a long way and done a lot of clever things, but our basic animal natures still control our lives.

The well-to-do take more and more from the have-nots and I have to wonder, how much is too much? It seems there is no such thing as too much when greed is involved.

I know there are good people in the world but they are swamped by the dull witted and ignorant (the sheep)  who in turn are controlled by those in power (the wolves) who manipulate them to their own ends.

I wish I could just walk away from all of it and spend my remaining time in the wilderness, as far from all the madness as I could get.

I enjoy watching Peter’s videos and I admire his spirit and optimism but for me, there is just no way to get to that point.

Giving Up

There are only two people in this world that I REALLY care about and today one of them walked out of my life.

This has concluded a process that started a year ago and although I have tried hard to stop it from happening, in the end I failed.

In fact, when I look back on my life I seem to have failed at just about everything I have ever done.

I just can’t deal with the situation I am in any more so I can see no choice but to remove myself from it.

Even I don’t know exactly what that means at the moment but the only thing I know is I cannot stay where I am.

 

Am I that bad?

There are times when I feel overwhelmed with this condition and yes, it can frustrate the hell out of me BUT I also ask myself, ‘am I really that bad?’

I know some things are deteriorating but I am still getting out and travelling a few times a year. I am still working on my website, still filming, still writing (with more mistakes than ever before) so how bad am I really?

The truth is I don’t really know. There are times when I feel like life is over but there are also times when I feel that I can still do so much that even talking about dementia makes me feel like a fraud.

 

Grammar

One of the latest signs of trouble is my grammar.

I have never been what they call a ‘grammar Nazi’ but I do like to try and get most things right. That is now changing and I am making errors, that on re-reading (or listening to audio on the video I record) just make me cringe with embarrassment.

I even noticed at least one mistake in the first blog entry I made on this site.

I don’t think I am ever going to apply for a job as a proof reader now!

On another topic, I have been trying to find out more information about this condition but have (so-far) been rather frustrated at the lack of information for sufferers.

I have tried libraries and searching online but all the support out there and all the information is for carers. I know I have moaned about this before but today I had a ‘light bulb’ moment.

What about Facebook?

Well I looked and yes there are some groups out there. I have applied to join but time will tell whether they turn out to be what I have been looking for.

Is there a point to life?

The more I see of what is going on in the world the more I wonder what the point of all of it is.

Perhaps if you believe in fairies at the bottom of the garden, heaven and hell etc. then maybe that gives you some hope. False hope, but hope never-the-less.

I see the world for what it is, harsh, unforgiving and cruel.

My own species is controlled by people who are insanely hungry for money and power. They crave it at the expense of everything and everyone else.

There is enough money and resources for everyone in the world to have a reasonably comfortable existence but because some people have to grab more and more for themselves, even though they have no real need for it, people all over the world have horrendous miserable lives.

My own life is rendered pointless by the condition I have. There is no hope of spending my twilight years in quiet contemplation. Yet I see people who are perfectly healthy who give up on life and remove themselves from it.

I am starting to think that they are the only sane ones and the rest of us are mad.

Ultimately I see life as utterly without point. Everything you know, everyone you know, everything you own will all vanish with the sands of time.

Happiness is merely a phantom, an illusion, a wisp that slips through your fingers.

The best thing I can hope for now is a quick demise that is relatively painless. Knowing my luck, I won’t get it.

Clumsy!

A new and particularly irritating part of my condition is being more and more clumsy.

Is that normal for dementia? I have no idea because there is NOTHING out there in the way of support for sufferers.

A heap of resources exist for carers, yeah I get it, they are the ones who really suffer in the end, but meanwhile, WHAT ABOUT THE SUFFERERS???

Why the hell can’t I find anything useful about this condition and what to expect from it?

When I say clumsy, I am not talking about just the odd mishap. I break things unintentionally, knock things over,  crack my toes, knees and shins on objects. It is becoming more and more annoying.

My typing is deteriorating more and more and my short term memory seriously sucks now!

I am still getting out, still producing videos, photographing and filming. That seems so much easier than doing things that involve typing.

The website update that I have been working of for 3 years PLUS, is in its final stages but even though I am almost at the end, I am finding the last bit SO HARD to finish.

My emotional side has been shut down and considering that I have always been very emotional, this was a difficult thing to do. It was quite deliberate and calculated but I see it as the only way I can deal with difficulties in my personal life.

It is funny how the people who say they love you can often be the ones that cause the greatest amount of grief.

I don’t want to go into details, I don’t think there is much point anyway. What is done is done and cannot be undone.

I am becoming more selfish. I spent a VERY LONG TIME trying to hold everything together and in the end I had just been wasting my time. I ‘get’ that all of us are in part responsible for the difficulties last year but my real feeling is that people will, in the end, do what is best for themselves and are happy to knife anyone in the back if it suits their agenda.

That is now my new ‘take on life’. I used to spend almost every waking moment trying to do the best thing for others so now I am trying to do what is best for ME!

I know my time is running out and I am not going to spend it dancing to other people’s tunes.

My intention is to take the path of least resistance but at the same time, do what I want to do. Let’s see how well that little plan plays out in the end….